The Zombie Zak Manifesto of Dooooom! – being the part of the part that I can actually tell you, at least at this time.
Firstly, and to preserve a sense of mental health and acuity, we must set aside some fundamental and completely egregious assumptions. We must explain a couple of the basic and very important concepts that form the basis of what is going to happen in the near (and quite probably very bloody) future.
Obviously, the very paramount expression of the potential of the future can be summed up with this old saying: “The future is now.” What do I mean by that? Well, the Apocalypse is coming, it is in the future; however, the seeds of that event, are absolutely all around us in the present. We build upon this very simple combination of semi-complex components and from that cacophony of chaotic chumba wumbaing, we will build the future. The future is what we build it to be, and we do so from the tools and materials we have available. There is a lot to choose from, but the results will be magnificent.
Secondly, and arguably potentially the more important expectation, is that zombies are real, and that they are around you, even now, unbeknownst to you and yours. And, even more bogglingly than that, is that they’ve been there for a lot longer than you might have suspected.
We zombies are a crafty lot. We’ve given you countless hours of entertainment bliss at the expense of our perceivable good sense. Truthfully, it is and has always been a part of the great plan to deceive humanity into a sense of complacency. Imagine the surprise and fun when humanity realizes that the zombies in their midst are not exactly how they expected to be? Oh my, I just giggle maniacally every time I think about it. Gives me goosey bumps and all.
Next, we must make note of some general house keeping tips of note. Zombies can be your friends, if you want them to. I personally know many zombies of a pleasant disposition and more than equitable with the presence of humans. There doesn’t need to be the constant battle between living and not so much. However, we all know how that game will end up playing out, don’t we? The humans will feel all smug and superior about how they have living bits and pieces and the zombies will all get hungry. Fun and frivolity will ensue!
So back to the crux of the game, in this thing we call our Manifesto of Doooom!
Throughout the ages, we zombies have been playing our hands close to the vest. And yes, we do play poker as a matter of fact. You’ll find yourself hard pressed to play against one of the undeadly on our team. We don’t do “tells” that’s for dang sure. And when we hold onto the death card, it’s a good thing for us, oh yeah.
So, now right about now, you might be thinking: “But that’s impossible; we’d notice a bunch of stinky to high heck dead walking hunks of meat with no brains walking or running about the place.” Right? Well, as I said, we’re a sneaky bunch. We’ve been keeping it on the down low for so long, we hold that the floor boards are a pinnacle that some have yet to achieve! (It’s ok; we don’t know what that means, either.) So, in those dark and dreary places that, for the most part, you all ignore or pretend couldn’t possibly be there, let me reassure you, that we are, indeed, very much, there. In those shadows, in those crevices, in those smelly pits of inelegant opportunity; yup that’s us, we’re there.
And we’re waiting for you.
Or, more appropriately to say, we’re waiting for the opportunity to explode upon the human scene with enough impact to completely disrupt human infrastructure enough to work with our schemes. See, we don’t enter into these projects lightly; there has to be levels and layers of planning and departments of execution and all that fun stuff. We go through many sessions of technical discussions and scenario building; we lay it down thick so that there’s no room for mistakes or misinterpretations. A plan can’t go down if there’s a bit of wiggle room for somebody to muck it up good, now right?
So, those are the two main pre-conceptions that you living types are going to have to wrap your head around. The other is about how you could (or rather, there’s no way in Hell that you could) survive the Apocalypse as it has been foretold (and re-worded by our spin doctors). Bottom line, you’re not going to survive the Apocalypse; I don’t care how many Hollywood movies you might have seen where the good guy gets the girl and they all (or most of them) get to safety. Sorry, nuh-unh – ain’t gonna happen, wouldn’t be putrid. Hehehee.
However, just to throw a bone of thoughtful contention out there, there is a means, a method by which you can prolong your suffering. It’s very simple; you don’t have to work at it too hard. If you feed the zombies the appropriate product of organic matter, you might very well entice them away from consuming you. Brains and cookies, of course are the dish of choice! With enough cookies, you could survive an onslaught of the unruly, undead!
So, choose your paths carefully, prepare for the inevitable; it is coming. The end, you know, it will be here real soon. Are you ready for it? Can you consider all the alternatives and come out with the best choices?
I vote the cookie! (Of course.)
Stay tuned, there will be more components to the Manifest of Dooooom following this one. You will need this information to survive, at least for a little bit longer. I wish you good luck on that, though; I think you’ll need it!